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| The
Puppet Show Written
by: Dean Batali & Rob Des Hotel Disclaimer
~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Backstage in the Sunnydale High School auditorium. Emily is doing ballet stretching exercises. The camera shows her from the demon's point of view as he observes her from low to the floor. Demon: (exhales) I will be whole. I will be new. (exhales) The camera moves through the backstage area. A number of students are practicing their acts. Among them are Lisa playing her tuba and Marc rehearsing his magic act. The camera eventually reaches Morgan and his dummy, Sid. Morgan rubs his temples a moment and then looks around. Cut to the stage. Cordelia is singing "The Greatest Love of All" off key. Cordelia: Learning to love yourself is The Greatest Love of All. I decided long ago... Cut to Giles in the seats. He does *not* want to be there. Cordelia: ...never to walk in anyone's shadow. (cut to Cordelia) If I fail, if I succeed, at least... Giles: (interrupts) Thank you, Cordelia. Tha-that's going to be lovely. Cordelia: But I didn't do the part with the sparklers! Giles: Um, w-we'll, um... save that for the dress rehearsal. (anxious to get rid of her) Uh, Lisa! Please! Cordelia: Uhhh! She puts the microphone back on its stand and leaves the stage as Lisa sets up with her tuba. Cut back to Giles as Lisa begins her solo. He rubs his eyes. Buffy, Willow and Xander come down the center aisle. Buffy: (draws a breath) If it isn't the great producer! They go into the seats and sit around Giles. Xander: Had to see this to believe it. Giles: Oh. You three. Buffy: The school talent show. How ever did you finagle such a primo assignment? Giles: Our new Führer, Mr. Snyder. Willow: I think they call 'em 'principals' now. Giles: Mm. He thought it would behoove me to have more contact with the students. I did try to explain that my vocational choice of librarian was a deliberate attempt to (draws a breath) minimize said contact, but, uh, he would have none of it. Buffy: Giles, unto every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny. Giles: If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated, or at least, um, helped. Buffy: Nah! I think I'll take on your traditional role... and watch! Xander: And mock! Willow: And laugh! They all laugh. Buffy: O-kay. I think maybe we better leave our Mr. Giles to this business he calls a show. The three of them get up and start back up the aisle. Principal Snyder is waiting there for them. Snyder: So. We think school events are stupid, and we think authority figures are to be made fun of. Buffy: No! No, we don't. W-unless you do. Snyder: And we think our afternoon classes are optional. All three of you left campus yesterday. Buffy: Yeah, but we were fighting a demon... Snyder: Fighting? Buffy: Not fighting. Xander: No, we, uh, left to *avoid* fighting. Snyder: Real anti-social types. You need to integrate into this school, people. (crosses his arms) I think I just found three eager new participants for the talent show. Buffy: What? Xander: No! Willow: Please? Snyder: I've been watching you three. Always getting into one scrape or another. Buffy: Well, we're really, really sorry, but about the talent show, pleeease, you can't make us... Snyder: (interrupts) My predecessor, Mr. Flutie, may have gone in for all that touchy-feely relating nonsense, but he was eaten. You're in *my* world now. And Sunnydale has touched and felt for the last time. He starts past them down toward the stage. Xander: Can I just mention, that detention is a time-honored form of punishment? Buffy nods vigorously in agreement. Snyder: I know the three of you will come up with a wonderful act for the school to watch. And mock. And laugh. At. He continues down to the stage. Xander can't believe this. He points up with both index fingers and sits down in a seat. Xander: No! Buffy spaces out and moans. She goes back into Giles' row, sits next to him and looks to him for sympathy. He has none to give, and tries to hide a smirk. The tuba solo is over. Willow just stands there with a big frown on her face. The next act sets up. It's Morgan with his dummy, Sid. Buffy: Ewww, dummy! Xander: (sees a mime and jumps in his seat) Dyow! Mime! Willow: (sits behind Buffy) I think dummies are cute. You don't? Buffy: Uuuhhh. They give me the wig. Ever since I was little. Willow: What happened? Buffy: I saw a dummy. It gave me the wig. There really wasn't a story there. Morgan: (on stage) Hi. I'm Morgan. (moves the dummy's head) And I'm Sid! He is an awful ventriloquist, and Giles winces. Buffy raises her eyebrows and stares in disbelief. Morgan: (as Sid) Hey Morgan, would you like to tell some jokes? (as himself) Would I! (as Sid) As a matter of fact, it is! It's also a wood nose, and a wood mouth! Willow can't believe his act either. Morgan laughs nervously for Sid. Buffy looks at Giles. He takes off his glasses. Morgan: (as Sid) I didn't sleep at all last night. Sid: Alright, time out. Let's stop this before someone gets hurt. (to Morgan) Kid, you are the worst. Even I can see your lips move. Buffy starts to giggle. Giles looks up again and puts his glasses back on, intrigued now that he sees he may have at least one good act. Morgan: C'mon, Sid. You're spoiling my act. I worked on these jokes for weeks. Sid: You call those jokes? My jockey shorts are made out of better material. A few students have gathered at the edge of the stage to watch Morgan's act and laugh. Sid: And they're edible! More laughs from the students. Buffy, Willow and Xander are into it now, too. Giles: There, you see? I'm sure you three can come up with something... equally exciting. Sid smiles. Cut to the girls' locker room. Emily is changing back into her regular clothes. She puts her ballet outfit and shoes into her locker and closes it. She hears a noise. Emily: Is anybody there? She walks to the end of the row of lockers and peeks around the corner. Emily: Hello? She walks around to the next row of lockers. No one's there. The demon exhales as it watches her from low to the floor. Emily: Hello? She continues down the row toward the showers. The demon comes up behind her. Emily turns and screams. Fade to black. Demon: I will be flesh! Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The talent show tryouts. Marc: I reach into the hat, and out... comes... He lifts the hat and looks around frantically. Marc: Has anybody seen a rabbit? He begins to search along the floor. The camera follows Elliot as he juggles and walks past Marc toward Lisa, then it follows her for a few steps. The camera pulls back to Xander, Willow and Buffy practicing a dramatic scene. Xander poses with his right arm in the air to begin his line. Xander: I can't do this! Xander: I, I can't! I have my pride! Okay, I don't have a lot of my pride, but I have enough so that I can't do this! He goes over to the steps at the outside of the stage to sit. Willow follows him. Willow: A dramatic scene is the easiest way to get through the talent show, because it doesn't require an actual talent. (sits above him) Xander: But we have talent. We can do stuff. Buffy, uh... Buffy: (also sitting now) What am I gonna do? Slay vampires on stage? Willow: Maybe in a funny way! Xander: Willow, you can do stuff. Uh, the piano... Buffy: You play? Willow: A little. Buffy: Well, that's cool. You can accompany us and we can *attempt* to sing. Willow: Oh, i-in front of other people? Then, no, I don't play... Xander: Whatever happened to corporal punishment? Sid whistles at the girls. Xander, Buffy and Willow look at him and Morgan. Sid: Mm, mm, mm. Look at the goodies! Morgan looks embarrassed. Willow gets up and goes over to him. Willow: Morgan, you're really getting good! Where did you come up with that voice? Morgan: It's kind of an imitation of my dad. Buffy: Sounds real! Sid:
It is real. I'm the one with the talent here. The kid's dead weight.
(to Willow) How about you and I do a little rehearsin' on our Xander: Uh, hey! Sid: You know what they say: once you go wood, nothin's as good! Buffy: Okay, Morgan. We get the joke. Horny dummy, ha, ha, it's very funny, but you might wanna consider getting some new schtick. Unless you want your prop ending up as a Duraflame log. Morgan and Sid exchange a look. Cut to a view of the seats from above. Principal Snyder and Giles come in through the doors at the back of the auditorium. The camera slowly pans down to them as they walk down the aisle. Snyder: Kids today need discipline. That's an unpopular word these days, 'discipline'. I know Principal Flutie would have said, 'Kids need understanding. Kids are human beings.' That's the kind of woolly-headed, liberal thinking that leads to being eaten. Giles: I, I think perhaps it was a little more complex than, um... Snyder: This place has quite a reputation. Suicide, missing persons, spontaneous cheerleader combustion... You can't put up with that. You've gotta keep an eye on the bad element. They reach the stage and stop. The camera has closed in on them. Snyder nods up towards the stage. Snyder: Like those three. Cut to Buffy, Willow and Xander practicing their dramatic scene. Cut to Snyder. Snyder: Kids. I don't like them. From now on you're gonna see a very different Sunnydale High. Tight ship, clean, orderly, (faces Giles) and quiet. Cut to the girls' locker room. A girl screams loudly when she discovers Emily's body. Cut to later as the paramedics prepare the body for transport. Giles comes out of the locker room into the hall. He ducks under the yellow police tape and goes over to the team. Giles: (clears his throat) It was Emily. Xander: Oh, man! I hate this school. Giles: Uh, it must have happened just after, uh, dress rehearsals. There was a cross-country meet at Melville. She, she, she never showed up for it. Buffy: Vampire? Giles: Um, I think not. Buffy: Giles, share! What happened? Giles: (exhales) Her heart was removed. Willow: Yikes! Buffy: Does that mean anything to you? Besides (shudders) ooooooo? Giles: Uh... (exhales) There are various demons which, which feed off human hearts, but... They look back and see the knife being put into an evidence bag. Buffy: But demons have claws. And teeth. Xander: They got no use for a big old knife. Giles: Which more than likely makes our murderer... Buffy: Human. Xander: Did I mention that I *hate* this school? Willow: So Emily was killed by a regular human person. Giles: The evidence certainly points that way. Buffy: No, wait. I-I'm not buying, you guys. Remember the Hellmouth? Mystical activity is totally rife here. This to me says demon. Giles:
I'd like to think you're right. A demon is a creature of evil, pure
and very simple. A person driven to kill is, is, um, it's more Willow: The creep factor is also heightened. It could be anyone. It could be me! (gets looks from them all) It's not, though. Giles: Uh, demon or no, we have some investigating to do. I suggest we start with your... your talent show compatriots. One of them may have been the last to see her alive. Cut to the band room. Buffy is interviewing Lisa. Lisa: I didn't know her too well. There's that whole dancer/band rivalry, y'know? Buffy: I've heard about that. Lisa: But I did speak to her a little the day that... yesterday. Buffy: How did she seem? Cut to outoutside, where Giles is interviewing Marc as he shuffles a deck of cards. Marc: She was happy. I guess. She was psyched to be doing the show. She was a really good dancer. Here, pick a card. Giles: Uh, um... (reaches for a card) Marc: No, wai-wai-wai-wait. Not that one. Pick this one. Giles: (takes the card) Do you remember the last time you saw her? Marc: She was talkin' to someone. Giles: Who? Cut to a classroom. Willow and Elliot come in. Elliot: That smart guy. The one with the dummy. What's his name? Elliot: Yeah, that's it. He was actin' kinda strange. Willow: Strange how? Cut outside to cheerleader practice. Xander is talking to Cordelia. Cordelia: It's just such a tragedy for me. Emma was, like, my best friend. Cut to the band room. Lisa: Well, Morgan's just strange. He's always rubbing his head a lot and moaning. Especially the other day. Cut outoutside. Marc: He seemed kinda paranoid... Lookin' around at everyone... Cut to the classroom. Elliot: And I think I saw him arguing... with his dummy. Cut outoutside. Cordelia: All I can think is, it coulda been me! Xander: We can dream. Cut to the auditorium. Buffy comes in through the front outside door. She looks around and walks over to the stage. She sees Sid on a stool, facing the curtain. Sid: (to Morgan offstage) Right now you and me gotta be on the lookout. Figure out who's gonna be next. Morgan: (comes on stage) How are we supposed to... (sees Buffy) Oh, hi. Buffy: Hello. Morgan: I was just working on throwing my voice. (walks upstage) Buffy: Uh, Morgan, did you notice anything weird going on around here yesterday? Morgan: (gathers Sid up) Weird? What d'you mean? (goes down the steps from the stage) Buffy: With Emily. Did she say anything to you, was she arguing with anyone? Morgan: (goes over to Sid's case) No. She was dancing. (opens the case) Sid and I were talking. Buffy: Talking. Morgan: Rehearsing. Buffy: So, you didn't notice anything weird at... He holds his hand to his forehead in pain and sits down. Morgan: Ohhh! Sid: Look, sweetheart! He answered your question. Now leave him alone! Morgan's pain has suboutsided, and he looks up at Buffy. Buffy: Okay, Morgan, how 'bout talking to me yourself now? Sid: He said all he's gonna say. Morgan looks nervously between Buffy and Sid. He gets up. Morgan: It's okay, Sid. We're done. (puts Sid in his case) Buffy: I'm sorry. Look, I didn't mean to make you mad. Morgan: No! I'm... (quietly) It's him! (indicates Sid) He's... (closes the case) We have to go. (grabs the case and leaves) Buffy: (taken aback) Cute couple. Cut to the library. Willow, Buffy and Xander come in. Xander: Okay, next time we split up someone else is on Cordy detail. Five more minutes with her and we woulda had another organ donor. Willow: I think I had a bit more luck. Everyone I talked to seemed to point their fingers at the same person. They all come into Giles' office. Xander: We have a winner! Giles: I fear I was led to the same conclusion. Xander: Well, what do we do? We don't slay him, right? We wanna bring him to justice. Willow: We could set up a complex sting operation where we get him
to Xander: Uh, I should wear a wire! Buffy: Whoa, hey, you guys, all we know is that Morgan is a grade A large weirdo. That doesn't lead directly to murderer. Xander: Guy talks to his puppet! Willow: And for his puppet. Buffy: Well, yeah, but what about the whole 'it's a demon' theory? Giles: I'm looking into that, but, uh, my investigation is somewhat... hampered by our life in the theater. Buffy: Uh, priority check, Giles? (weighs the two with her hands) Talent show, murder. Xander: Yeah, we can't do the talent show, it's unthinkable. I'm not able to think it! Giles: Principal Snyder is watching us all very closely. Now, if he chooses, he can make all our lives extremely difficult. A Slayer cannot afford that! We will find this murderer, but in the meantime... the show must go on. Buffy: This is so unfair. Giles: Buffy, you, uh, watch Morgan. Check his locker, see if there's anything there. Willow: Like a heart? Giles: Or something. Buffy: Alright. Willow: I'll pull up his locker number. (goes to the PC) Xander: Can I still wear a wire? Cut to the hall after school. Buffy quietly comes through the doors from the stairwell, looking around to see if anyone's there. She passes a door. It opens, but Buffy doesn't see it, only hears the sound. Cut to a shot of her through the door from low to the floor. She twists around to look behind her toward the sound, but doesn't realize it was the door that's now ajar. She goes back to looking for Morgan's locker and finds it. She starts to work the combination. Buffy: Okay... Two to the left, three to the right... She looks in both directions again, and then slams her palm into the lock. When she takes her hand away there's a clean hole. She reaches in with her fingers and undoes the latch. She looks around in the locker, and is about to take Sid's case out when Principal Snyder grabs her hand from behind, startling her. Snyder: What are you doing? Buffy: Uh, looking for something. Snyder: School hours are over. You, therefore, should be gone. Buffy: And I'm going any minute now. (laughs nervously) Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate: students loitering on campus after school, horrible murders with hearts being removed. And also smoking. Buffy: Well, I don't do any of those things. Not... ever. Snyder: (suspicious) There's something going on with you. I'll figure it out sooner or later. (Buffy smiles) Do you need something here? Buffy: Oh! (looks into the locker) Yeah! Right! Um, a friend wanted me to get something... out of his case! She pulls the case partially out of the locker, opens it and is surprised to find it empty. She quickly closes it and looks at Snyder. Buffy: He must've taken it and just forgotten to tell me. Snyder: Mm-hmm. Morgan and Sid see what's going on from behind the door. Snyder: Get along home now. It's late. He turns and heads down the hall. Buffy watches him go. Cut to the stage. Sid is in the chair. Morgan paces. Morgan: No, I can't do it! Sid: It's the only way. Morgan: I don't want... Sid: She's the one. Morgan: But... Sid: You saw what she did, how strong she is. Morgan: I know, but... Sid: She's the last! Just this one more, and I'll be free. Morgan: I won't. Sid: I will! Cut to Buffy's room at home. Her mom knocks on the door and comes in. Joyce: Hi, hon. How's it, uh, going with the talent show? Buffy: It'll be over soon. Joyce: (lets out a laugh) It can't be that bad! I, for one, am looking forward to seeing your act. Buffy: Seeing? I-in the sense of actually attending? Joyce: Of course! Buffy: Uh-uh! No, Mom, y-y-you can't! And, I mean, if I know you're out there watching, I'll freeze up, stage fright. Joyce: But I wanna support what you're doing! Buffy: Look, Mom, if you really love me, and wanna show your support, you'll stay away. Far away. Joyce: Honey, is there, uh... Is there something bothering you? I-I mean, Besides your fabulous debut. Buffy: Nothing. There's just a lot going on right now. Joyce: Well. Get some sleep. You'll feel better in the morning. Buffy: Good plan. Joyce leaves the room and closes the door behind her. Buffy gets into bed. The camera follows her hand as she reaches over to turn off her lamp in front of the window. When it goes out Sid is there looking in. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy's room. She's sleeping. She wakes to the sound of quick, light footsteps and sits up. More footsteps. She sees something go under her bed and leans over the edge to look underneath. Nothing. She comes back up and sees Sid there, screams, and knocks him off of the bed. Sid runs away. Buffy quickly gets out of bed as her mother rushes into the room and turns on the light. Joyce: Honey, what is it? Buffy: (comes over to her mom, frightened) In the bed, in the covers there's something! Joyce: Where? They go to the bed to investigate. Buffy: There's something there. Joyce grabs the covers and goes through them. Joyce: Well, well, there, there's nothing there now. Are, are you sure you didn't have a nightmare? Buffy: No! There's some... There is... (exhales and puts her hands on her head) Yeah... You're probably right. (exhales and drops her hands) I'm sorry I got you up. Joyce: Don't worry about it. I was dreaming about bills. (kisses Buffy's forehead) Sweetheart, you shouldn't (points) go to sleep with the window open. She touches her daughter's cheek, then leaves the room. Buffy looks at her window. Buffy: (confused) I didn't. Cut to Sunnydale High School. Marc: And my lovely assistant steps into the box... Cut to the stage in the auditorium. Marc's assistant steps into the box. He closes the door and turns it around. Marc: And... behold! He opens the box, but his assistant is still there. Marc: You were supposed to leave! Xander and Willow are in the seats watching and laughing. Marc closes the door to the box and butts his head against it. Giles comes out from backstage with Cordelia close behind. Cordelia: I don't understand why I... why I have to follow Brett and his stupid band. Giles: Because we have to clear their equipment before the finale. I told you. Cordelia: But the mood! It'll be all wrong! (gets in front of him and stops him) My song is about dignity and human feelings and personal... hygiene or something. Anyway, it's sappy, and no one is gonna be feeling sappy after all that Rock and Roll. Giles doesn't want to hear it. He gives Cordelia a look like something's wrong. Cordelia: Uhhh, what? Giles: Oh! I'm sorry. Um, your hair, uh... Cordelia: There's something wrong with my hair? (pulls it behind her ears) Giles remains silent, but continues to stare. Cordelia: Ohmigod! (quickly leaves) Giles: (to himself) Xander was right. It worked like a charm. He sees Buffy come down the aisle and goes over to her. Giles: Hello. You look a bit worse for, uh... Buffy heads into the seats to Willow and Xander. Giles follows. Giles: What exactly are you the worse for? Giles: Uh, I, I... haven't seen him. Xander: Did he do something to you? Buffy: No, it was his... Sid, the dummy. She suddenly has Giles' full attention. Buffy: Okay, everyone look at me like I'm in a bunny suit, 'cause that's how stupid I feel saying this... I think Sid was in my room last night. Buffy: No. He was alone. And alive. Xander: Did you see him? Buffy: Well, I saw something. I-it ran across my floor, under my bed and then it attacked me. Giles: Attacked you? How? Buffy: It was like it pounced on my face. Xander: Like a cat. Buffy: Yeah, exactly! But when I turned the lights on it was already gone. I-I think it went out my window. Xander: Like a cat. Buffy: Yeah! No! It was Sid, the dummy. Giles: Or possibly the nightmare of somebody who had... dummies on
her Willow: You did say they creep you out. Buffy: Excuse me? Can I have a *little* support here, please? I'm not just some crazy person, I'm the Slayer. Xander: The dummy Slayer? (gets a look from Buffy) There's nothing funny about that. Willow: Well, on the outside of the 'Morgan's just crazy' theory there is, (sees Morgan go by carrying Sid) well, Morgan. Buffy: I'd like to see Morgan without his better half for a few minutes. Bet he could tell me something. Morgan sits down with Sid on his lap. Giles: Oh, uh, i-if it's any consolation, I... I may have found a possible demon culprit. (holds up a book) The-there's a reference in here to a brotherhood of seven demons who take, uh, the form of young humans. Every seven years these demons need human organs, a-a-a brain and a heart, to maintain their humanity. Otherwise they, they, they revert back to their original form, which is, uh, uh, slightly less appealing. He hands Xander the book open to a sketch of one of the demons. Willow: So Morgan could still be the guy, only demon Morgan instead of crazy Morgan. Morgan fusses with Sid's shoes. Giles: It's said that these demons are, are, are preternaturally strong, and, and, and... Morgan is, is... Well, he seems to be getting weaker every day. Morgan puts his hand on his head. Buffy observes him. Cut to history class. Mrs. Jackson lectures as she walks around the room. Mrs. Jackson: It was as a result of this that President Monroe put forth the eponymous, meaning named after one's self, Monroe Doctrine, which in one sense established the U.S. as a local peacekeeper. She walks behind Buffy, who is intently watching Sid. Sid turns his head back to look at her and lowers his brows. Buffy is creeped out and looks down at her desk. A moment later she looks back up at him. Sid just stares back. Cordelia notices and leans over to comment. Cordelia: Looks like someone digs you. That's adorable. You and the dummy could tour in the freak show! She smiles smugly as she leans back into her chair. Buffy says nothing. She just looks back at Sid, then down at her desk again. Mrs. Jackson: Okay, who can tell me how Spain responded to this policy? Sid is whispering to Morgan. Mrs. Jackson notices. Morgan: (looks at Sid, then up) What? Sid: Morgan has other things on his mind. The students laugh. Mrs. Jackson approaches Morgan. Mrs. Jackson: Give me your puppet. Morgan: I'll put him away. Mrs. Jackson: (takes Sid) You'll get it back after school. She opens a cupboard, puts Sid in and closes it. Mrs. Jackson: Okay, then. In the first part of the nineteenth century... Sid: (from inside the cupboard) I'm still watchin' you. Buffy looks at the cupboard. Mrs. Jackson: Morgan, that is enough! Xander and Buffy look at Morgan. He looks back at Buffy, then at Mrs. Jackson. Cut to after school. Morgan comes back into the classroom to retrieve Sid. Morgan: You said you'd give me... Mrs. Jackson: Oh, of course. She gets up and goes over to the cupboard. Morgan follows her expectantly. Before she gets Sid out she stops and faces Morgan. Mrs. Jackson: Y'know, I wanted to ask you, is everything okay? At home, here at school? Morgan: Yeah, it's great. Mrs. Jackson: I feel like you've become... a little detached. Morgan: Mm! (rubs his head in pain) Mrs. Jackson: You're one of the brightest kids I've seen in a long time, but lately it seems like you're not all there. Morgan has both his hands on his head now, rubbing. Mrs. Jackson: Try not to let other things get in the way. Morgan: (takes his hands down) Okay! Can I get Sid now? Mrs. Jackson: Sure. She goes over to the cupboard and opens it, but Sid is gone. She turns back to Morgan. Mrs. Jackson: It's gone! Morgan: Gone? Whadaya mean, gone? Where could he have gone? Mrs. Jackson: I put it right here. Morgan: He knew to wait for me. He knew I'd be back. Mrs. Jackson: What do you mean 'he'? Morgan: What did you do with him? Where is he? Cut to the library. Xander has Sid and is playing with him. Buffy, Willow and Giles come in. Willow and Giles have their arms full of costumes. Buffy sees Xander holding Sid. Buffy: Where did you get that? Xander: Oh, I, uh, took it out of Mrs. Jackson's cupboard. I thought you said you wanted to be able to speak to Morgan alone, and uh... well, Morgan's alone, and, uh... Sid's with me. Buffy stares at Sid uncomfortably. Xander: (manipulating Sid) Hi, Buffy! Hi, Willow! Would you like to hear some off-color jokes? Buffy: I really don't think you should be doing that. Xander: What? C'mon... (as Sid) I'm not real! Buffy: (wigged) Xander, quit it! She turns and walks a few steps away. She stops and looks back when she hears Xander pounding Sid's head into the table. Xander: He's... not... real! (picks Sid back up) I think our demonstration proves that, uh, Sid (knocks on Sid's head several times) is wood. Now, why don't you go and find Morgan and prove he's... whatever he is? Giles: I imagine he's looking for his puppet. Buffy: I'll go find Morgan. (starts to leave, but stops and gives Xander a look) You watch the dummy. Xander: (as Sid) Bye-bye, now. I'm completely inanimate. Buffy gives Xander another look and goes out the door. Xander: (as Sid) Redrum! Redruuum! Willow: What do we do with him? Xander: Eh, I'll keep him company. Giles: Willow, we have some hunting of our own to do. Willow: Once again I'm banished to the demon section of the card Xander looks at Sid and goes over to the table with him. Giles and Willow go up into the stacks. Giles: You concentrate on re-animation theory. I'll peck about in organ harvesting. Unless, of course, you prefer... Willow: That's okay, you can have the organs. Xander puts Sid in the chair at the end of the table. Xander: So, I guess it's just... you and me, huh? (turns Sid's head away and pats him) That looks more comfortable. He leaves Sid there, and the camera closes in on him. Cut to the auditorium. Buffy walks along the front and then up the stairs to the stage. Cut backstage. Buffy draws a curtain aside, but no one's there. She takes the steps down to the makeup area and tries a door. It's locked. She hears another door close and turns toward the sound. A gust blows through another curtain. Slowly she walks toward it. She quickly turns her head when she senses something behind her, and sees Principal Snyder at the top of the steps to the stage. Snyder: Looking for something? Buffy: Have you seen Morgan Shay? Snyder: (comes down the steps) You know, with everything that's been going on recently, I'm not sure how safe it is for a girl like yourself to be here... alone. Buffy: Well, I was just leaving. And I know how to take care of myself. They stare at each other a moment. Snyder: Alright, then. He goes back up the stairs and leaves. Cut to the library. Xander looks over at Sid in his chair, then turns back to his homework. Cut to the stacks. Willow: (to Giles) Look what I found in the section on toys and magic: (reads) 'On rare occasions inanimate objects of human quality, such as dolls and mannequins, already mystically possessed of consciousness, have acted upon their desire to become human by harvesting organs.' Giles: Mm. Cut to Xander. He gets up to get a reference book. When he gets back to the table Sid is gone, but Xander doesn't notice. He slams the book on the table, sits down again and begins to read. After a moment he glances at Sid's chair and jumps up frightened when he sees it empty. Xander: Whoa! He climbs onto the table. Giles and Willow come running out of the stacks. Giles: What is it? Xander: He's gone! (indicates the chair) Sid's gone! Giles: What? Oh! Willow: Uhhh! They're both frightened and look around themselves. Cut backstage. Buffy continues to look around. She hears some creaking. She backtracks a bit and goes toward the noise. She pushes some clothes on a rack aside, but sees nothing. She continues and eventually stumbles on something. She looks down and sees Morgan's body lying there. Buffy: (whispers) Morgan! (slowly backs away) Demon's got himself a brain. She keeps backing through a bead curtain and hears a snapping noise above. She looks up and sees a wrought iron chandelier falling on her. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ Backstage. Buffy is unconscious under the chandelier. She wakes and moans. Her vision is a bit blurred. She hears quick little footsteps and immediately becomes alert. She sees Sid run across the catwalk above her. She tries to lift the chandelier off of herself, but it's very heavy. Sid has come down now, and Buffy sees him in the shadows. Buffy: Who's ever out there, I'm gonna hurt you! Badly! If you'll just gimme a minute... She tries lifting again, but to no avail. She looks back to where she saw Sid and sees his knife poised above her. She turns her head just in time to avoid being stabbed in the face. Sid lifts the knife and tries again, but misses. Buffy flails out with her left arm and knocks him away. She tries lifting again, and this time she shifts the chandelier enough to get out from underneath it. Sid attacks her from behind as she slides out, but she knocks him away and into a wall. His knife goes sliding across the floor. Buffy gets out and jumps over on top of Sid, pinning him against the wall with her arm. Sid: You win. Now you can take your heart and your brain and move on. Buffy: I'm sure they would have made great trophies for your case. Sid: That woulda been justice. Buffy: Yeah, except for one thing: you lost, and now you'll never be human. Sid: Yeah, well, neither will you. They are both confused. Cut to the library. Giles and Xander stare at Sid in wide-eyed and open- mouthed amazement. Willow and Buffy just stare and listen. Sid: This is what I do. I hunt demons. Yeah, you wouldn't know it to look at me. Let's just say there was me, there was a really mean demon, there was a curse, and the next thing I know I'm not me anymore. I'm sitting on some guy's knee, with his hand up my shirt. Willow: And ever since then you've been a living dummy? Sid: The kid here was right all along. I shoulda picked you to team up with. But I didn't because... Buffy: Because you thought *I* was the demon. Sid: Who can blame me for thinking? Look at you! You're strong, athletic, limber... (goes off into his own world) nubile... (shakes his head) I'm back! In any case, now that this demon's got the heart and brain, he gets to keep the human form he's in for another seven years. The tea kettle is whistling. Giles gets up to tend to it. Giles: I must say, it's a welcome change to have someone else explain all these things. Sid:
There were seven of these guys. I've killed six. If I can get the
last one, the curse will be lifted and I'll be free. I'm sure it's Buffy: Yeah, but now that demon has what he wants. He'll be moving on. Sid: So, once we know who's missing from the show... Buffy: We'll know who our demon is! Giles: (remembering) The show! Buffy: What? Giles: It's gonna start! I'm supposed to be there! Buffy: (to Willow) Okay, um, start pulling everyone's addresses in the talent show. I-if they're not there, maybe we can catch them at home. Sid: (to Giles) And you, get 'em all on stage, form the power circle. Then we can see who's a no-show. Giles: Um, uh, the what? Sid: The power circle. You get everyone together, you get 'em, you know, revved up. Giles: Right. (still confused, but goes) Sid: How'd *he* ever get that gig? Cut backstage. Giles: Fifteen minutes to curtain, everyone! Uh, fifteen minutes! He turns to go back out. Cordelia chases him down. Cordelia: I, I can't go out there. All those people staring at me and judging me like I'm some kind of... Buffy! What if I mess up? Giles: Cordelia, there, uh, there-there's, uh, uh, an adage, uh, that, uh, if you're feeling nervous then, uh, you should imagine the entire audience are in their underwear. Cordelia: Eww! Even Mrs. Franklin? Uhhh! Giles: Perhaps not. Cordelia: Yeah. Giles: (to everyone) Um, alright, um, we'll assemble on the stage in five minutes for the, um, uh, power thing. Cut to the catwalk. Sid and Buffy are sitting and waiting to see who's missing from the circle. Sid: So, what's your deal, kid? I don't figure you for a demon hunter. Buffy: I'm a Vampire Slayer. Sid: (surprised) You?! You're the Slayer? (Buffy nods) Damn! I knew a Slayer in the 30's. Korean chick. Very hot. We're talking *muscle* tone. Man, we had some times. (gets a look from Buffy) Hey, that was pre- dummy, alright? Now, I was a guy! Buffy: So, you kill the demon and the curse is lifted, right? Sid: That's the drill. Buffy: You don't actually turn into a prince, do you? I-I mean, your body... Sid: Is dust and bones. When I say free... Buffy: You mean dead. Sid: Don't get sniffly on me, sis. I've lived a lot longer than most demon hunters. Or Slayers, for that matter. Buffy looks down, depressed about her lot in life. Sid: (puts his hand on her knee) Of course, if you want to snuggle up and comfort me... Buffy: (takes his hand off of her knee) So, that horny dummy thing really *isn't* an act, is it? Sid: Nope! Buffy: Yuk! Sid and Buffy look down onto the stage. Giles: I-is everybody here? The talent gathers on the stage. Sid: Okay, here comes our line-up. Giles: Quickly, everyone! Uh... um, power circle. The students arrange themselves in a circle and hold hands. Sid and Buffy scan the group for any missing members. Giles looks around as well. The camera follows his gaze. Giles: Well, that's that, then. Um, everybody, uh, get ready! Some of the students don't get it, but the circle breaks up quickly as they scramble to get ready. Giles scratches his head, confused. Buffy bends down and slips underneath the catwalk railing. She drops to the stage below. Sid watches her fall. She lands squarely on her feet and goes over to Giles. Giles: No one's missing. Buffy: So the demon isn't in the show. Giles: It seems not. Uh, tell the others. Look, it's nearly curtain. I must get the show rolling. Buffy: Right. Giles: Right. She looks for Sid up on the catwalk, but he's gone. Cut to Principal Snyder nosing around backstage. Giles sees him, and Snyder faces him. Giles isn't sure why he's there. Snyder puts his fist into his palm and walks away. Giles follows him. Cut to Buffy, still looking for Sid. She stops next to a workbench. Something drips onto her arm from above. She shakes it off and looks up. She reaches up to a shelf to see what's dripping, and Morgan's brain falls down and into her hands. She lets out a startled yelp and drops the brain. It jiggles when it hits the floor. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Willow is at the PC. Buffy walks up to her staring at her hands. Buffy: I'm never gonna stop washing my hands. Xander: So, the dummy tells us that he's a demon hunter. And we're, like, fine, la la la la. He takes off, and now there's a brain. Does anybody else feel like they've been Keyser Soze'd? Buffy: Sid's on the level, I'm sure of it. But why would the demon have rejected the brain? I-I mean, I thought Morgan was the smartest kid in school. Willow: He was, look at his grades: all A's. He was even taking college classes. Wait a second. Buffy: What? Willow: All these sick days. Xander: He was off for, like, half the year! Buffy: Check the school nurse's file. Willow: (types) Look at this! 'In case of emergency, contact Dr. Dale Leggett, California Institute of Neurosurgery, Cancer Ward.' Xander: Brain cancer? Willow: That's why he had all the headaches. Buffy: This means that whatever's out there still needs a healthy, intelligent brain. Xander: In other words, I'm safe! (smiles) Buffy: And it's gonna be looking for the smartest person around. She and Xander look at Willow. She looks back and forth between them. Willow: What? Cut backstage. Giles is helping Marc set up, and has a pair of weights in his hands. Giles: Yes, if you, you calibrated the units of weight then you could calculate the, uh, specific maximum velocity achieved before the point of impact. Marc: Gee, Mr. Giles, you're really... smart! Could you do me a favor? Cut to the library. Willow: What could a demon possibly want from me? Xander: What's the square root of 841? Willow: 29. Oh, yeah. Buffy: Don't worry, Willow. As long as you're with us there's absolutely no way that demon is gonna get what he wants. Cut backstage. Marc tests his guillotine on a honeydew melon. Giles picks up a half melon. Giles: Oh, my! Marc: Pretty cool, huh? Giles: Are you sure there's no one else who could help you out? Marc: My assistant got sick. You won't have to say anything. I'll, I'll show you. Lie down. Giles: (inspects the guillotine) Uh, uh, how, how exactly does it work? Marc pulls the blade back up by its rope and ties it down. Marc: A good magician never tells his secrets. He sees his hand and arm begin to revert to demon form, and shakes his sleeve to get it to cover up better. Marc: C'mon. We haven't got much time. Cut to the library. Buffy is pacing nervously. Buffy: This is ridiculous. We can't just sit here and wait for him to come to us. We have to figure out who we're dealing with. Xander: I still vote dummy. Buffy: No. Okay, so we ruled out all the people in the talent show... Willow: That's because they were all there. But that's before we found the brain. Buffy: Right. So it probably *is* one of them. And, and Giles doesn't know! He's with them all right now! Xander: Uch! Giles can handle himself. I mean, he *is* really... (clicks in his mind) smart! Cut to the hall outoutside the library. Buffy slams the door open and runs out and down the hall. Xander and Willow are hot on her trail. Cut backstage. Giles is strapped down to the guillotine bench. Giles: Sh-sh-shouldn't it be aimed at my neck? Marc: No. No, this way your scalp gets sliced off and your brains just... come pouring out. He slides the head restraint down onto Giles' forehead. He reaches over and locks it down with a padlock. Giles: What exactly is the trick? Marc: Trick? (pulls the chest restraint tighter) Marc goes over to the block where the rope holding the guillotine blade is tied down. He grabs his hatchet and takes a swing at the rope. Giles is terrified. Marc takes another swing. The rope is half cut now. A third swing, and the rope is almost cut through. The blade slips a bit. Giles looks up at it in terror. Another swing, and the rope hangs by a thread. Marc raises the hatchet for the final cut. Buffy lunges at him and tackles him to the floor. She leg sweeps Marc, kicking his legs out from under him as he tries to get up. She stands up and adopts a fighting stance. As Marc tries to get up again, she throws an inverted crescent kick to his face, and he goes down again. Marc growls as he starts to get up, and Buffy sees that the skin on his face is beginning to turn back into its demon state. Buffy: Ewww! Marc takes advantage of her distraction and jumps up and punches her, then follows up with a backhand fist to her face. She spins around and falls to the floor. The rope stretches and snaps, and the blade begins to fall. Giles yells out and clamps his eyes shut. At the last instant Xander grabs the rope from midair and stops the blade. Giles hears it stop and opens his eyes. He sees it go back up as Xander pulls on the rope. Buffy gets up, but is punched by the demon and falls again. Willow goes to Giles and begins to undo the restraints. Willow: Where are the keys? He kicks the hatchet over to her. She picks it up and begins to hack at the lock. Giles: Hurry! Buffy gets up again and runs over to Marc. She grabs him and falls backward, pulling him down with her and flipping him over onto his back. She flips up to her feet and turns to face him in a front stance. When he gets up she punches him in the face and kicks him in the stomach with a hopping front snap kick. He staggers backward and stumbles into his disappearing-act box, and the door closes on him. Willow keeps hacking at the lock on the guillotine. Buffy: How do you lock this thing? That wouldn't
have made any difference because Marc just punches through the box
and reaches for her. She quickly backs away as he kicks and
shoves his way out of the box. He has completely reverted to his demon
form now. He comes at her, grabs her by the neck, and lifts her from the Giles: (yells) What's happening? Willow keeps hacking. The demon slams Buffy up against a wall with his hand around her throat. He pulls her away and slams her into the wall again. Xander can only watch as he holds on to the rope. Willow gets the lock to break and quickly pulls it off. She and Giles push the head restraint up, and he gets out as fast as he can. He reaches down to undo the restraint at his feet. Sid finally shows up, jumps onto the demon's back and begins stabbing with his knife. Sid: I found you! The demon ignores Sid and continues slamming Buffy into the wall. Giles gets himself loose. Sid has forced the demon to let go of Buffy and has jumped off. She hits the demon in the face with an open hand punch followed by a backhand punch. Giles gets off of the bench as Buffy does a full spinning outside kick to the demon's gut, making him stagger back onto the bench and land with his neck in the guillotine. Xander lets go, and the blade falls, chopping off the demon's head. Its body slumps lifeless on the bench. Willow cringes at the sight. They all stare at what's left of the demon. Giles: Uh... I must say, all of you... Your t-timing is impeccable. Sid: And now for the big finish. He has positioned himself over the demon's chest with his knife. Buffy: What are you doing? Sid: It's not enough. He'll come back. You have to get the heart. Then all of this'll be over. She holds out her hand for the knife. Buffy: Let me. Sid: I got it. Thanks. He wields back with the knife and plunges it into the demon's heart. He pulls back to do it again, but his aim was true at first time, and he just slumps over onto the demon with the knife still in his hands, now a lifeless puppet. Buffy looks at Sid sadly and lets out a deep breath. Giles takes off his glasses. Buffy gently lifts Sid from the demon and holds him in her arms. She starts to walk off stage. She stops as the curtain is drawn and looks out at the audience. Giles puts his glasses back on and stares out as well. Willow is still holding the hatchet as she stands there looking out at the audience with a nervous look on her face. Buffy and Xander look out, too. Principal Snyder doesn't understand what he is seeing. Snyder: I don't get it. What is it? Avant-garde? ~~~~~~~~~~ Epilogue ~~~~~~~~~~ The stage. Xander, Willow and Buffy are doing their act. Willow: (stiff with fear) Oh, ruler of my country, Oedipus, you see our company around the Altar, and I, the priest of Zeus! Xander: (nervous) Ha, ha! They prophesize that I should kill my father. But he is dead. (kneels down and gestures like he's grabbing a handful of dirt) And hidden deep in the soil. But surely I must fear my mother's bed. Buffy: (bored) (walks around Willow to Xander) Oh, Oedipus, Oedipus, unhappy Oedipus, (briefly puts her hand on his head) that is all I can call you, (goes back to her place) and all that I ever shall call you. (faces away from the audience) Xander: (gets back up) Darkness! And horror of darkness. Unfolding, restless, visitant, sped by an ill wind in haste. Willow is frozen in fright. Buffy has turned back around and rolls her eyes at Xander's fumbling of his lines. Xander: Madness, and... Madness a-and stabbing pain, and, a-and, uh... oh... oh... memory of, uh, i-ill deeds I have done. Buffy nudges Willow to cue her. She is too terrified to say her next line and runs from the stage. Xander and Buffy step together to fill the gap left between them. Unnamed Characters: Michelle Miracle as Locker Girl
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