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Episode #61 Written
by: David Fury Transcribed by: Lilybunny (lilybunny@hotmail.com) Orginial Air Date: Nov. 02, 1999 ~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ Night in a graveyard. Buffy is fighting with a vampire while Parker
is She continues to fight the vamp while two other vampires grab Parker Buffy runs to Parker's rescue, knocking away the two vamps with high Parker: Buffy, I don't know what to say. After the way I've treated Buffy: It's nothing. Parker: It's everything. You're everything. And I'm going to do Girl (giggling) Noooo. Cut to Prof. Walsh's Psyche class. A girl is giggling beside Parker Prof. Walsh: These are the things we want. Simple things. Comfort, Cut back to the graveyard scene again. Buffy stakes all the vamps. Parker: Buffy, I don't know what to say. After the way I've treated We see that Parker now has a bouquet of flowers and ice cream in his Parker: Can you ever forgive me? Cut to commercial Cut to the campus during the day. Buffy is sitting at a table with Xander: Rough day? Come on Buff. Be a lonely drunk. Rough day? Buffy: Stop flicking at me. Xander: Work with me here. I'm finally an essential part of your Willow: aren't you two young to be a bartender? Xander: Oh contraire, mon frere. Buffy: mon frere means brother Xander: mon girlfrere. Behold (holds up a fake id) Behold. Willow: I don't believe this is entirely on the up and up. Xander: What gives it away? Willow: looking at it. Xander: Well no one's going to see it anyway. Now I'm the bartender.
I Buffy: You know there's more to it than wiping and kicking. Mixing Xander: Well, I've seen cocktail. I can do the hippy-hippy shake. Buffy: Well, even if I've had a pretend cigarette I couldn't tell
you Xander: ooh unload em right here baby. Rough day? You wanna talk about Willow: I'm pregnant by my stepbrother who'd rather be with my best Xander looks confused Willow: That was me being tanked and friendless for ya. Xander: Gets my Oscar nod Buffy: You know what? It's classtime. Xander: So are you going to come by tonight to the pub? Buffy: You know maybe, maybe he's just having trouble dealing. I mean, Xander: How's that fugue state coming along Buffy: Maybe I'm in his bubble and then pretty soon he's going to Willow: Buffy. And as my best friend you need to stop thinking about Xander: Nothing can defeat the penis! Too loud, very unseemly. Willow: I mean, I'm sorry do be so course but I feel strongly about Buffy: He can be really sweet. I'm telling you I think he had intimacy Willow: Not interested. You got troubles, tell em to the bartender. Xander: That's right. Cause the bartender's always ready to listen. Cut to the pub: Xander: What? What? Okay and you had a rum and coke, and you had a Customer one (boy): Do I have to write it down for you. A glass of
ice Customer two (girl): a cold ale, a Canadian lager, a glass of white Xander: Ice water, right. Do you want that on the rocks? Buffy walks in and sees Parker talking to a girl. She walks right
into Buffy: Oooh. Riley, I'm so sorry. Riley: That's okay you know, but most people go around. I'm not Buffy: In my defense you do take up a lot of space. Riley: I do. I'm (??). You looking for someone? Buffy: Um, I just saw Parker over there. Riley: right. Parker and his latest conquest. You know that boy should Buffy: he's kinda a girl chaser huh? Riley: sets em up and knock's em down. I guess maybe I'm old fashioned (Sees that she's ignoring him) Riley: don't even care what my father says. Buffy: I'm sorry what? Riley: forget about it. You know I've got some people waiting. I'll Riley leaves. Buffy sees Parker and the girl making out and goes to Cut to Xander at the bar. Two girls are talking. Xander flicks his Xander: Rough Day? Girl: Nay, it's been super. We accepted Melody's pledge. And made
her Xander: You are so sharp. Guy: Hey Paula. You keeping this fine bartender from his duty? A man's Xander: s'all right. Guy: So the guys and I are about to celebrate Xander: Uh, I said it was all right. I'm due for a break. Guy: Oh, so what were you discussing. Maybe we could all join. Paula: Be nice Guy: What? Xander: ah, forget it. Guy: Oh, no I rudely interrupted and it sounds like the two of you Xander: I've got beer. You want some beer. Guy: Yeah, a pitcher of Black Frost. You see I think we have a perfect Xander: How's about I see some ID cause you're not seeing a drop until Bartender: Just give em a beer (Xander pours a pitcher for them and leaves) Cut to Buffy sitting alone at the bar. Xander sees her and comes over. Xander: Buffy? Rough day? Wanna tell me about it? Buffy: It's just . Parker's problem with intimacy turns out to be
that Buffy: I'm a slut Xander: No Buffy: Idiot Xander: No. You gotta stop being so hard on. Bartender: Hey Xander: Sorry, so sorry. Buffy: I'm better. This has helped. Xander: Do NOT go anywhere. She gets up to leave when a guy bumps into her. Buffy: Oh, oh. I'm so sorry I just keep running into people today. Guy #2: I can't imagine anybody minding. You're not thinking about Guy #1: Yeah, well what my friend is just saying is you shouldn't
be Buffy sees Parker leaving with the girl. She smiles at the guys and Cut to the Bronze. Oz is walking through the crowd with two drinks in his hands. Willow Oz: Hey. You got a table. Willow: I had to kill a man. Oz: Well, it's a really good table Willow: I copied out my notes for Psyche since you were so elsewhere Oz: Thanks Willow: It's really pretty simple stuff. You know, just what's the Oz: I dunno. I feel It's nothing. They look at the stage where Veruca appears and starts singing. Oz
is Willow: We could go back to your place. I could make you soup. Oz: No. That's okay I'm fine. Thanks. They continue watching the band. Willow is getting uncomfortable. Willow: Do you know her? Oz: Veruca? No. I know their drummer. He's cool. I've never heard
them Things get more intense. Oz is mesmerized by Veruca. Cut to the pub. Buffy is chugging a beer Guys: Chug, chug, chug, chug Buffy finishes the beer and burps Guy #1: The thing that the modern day (?) failed to realize is that Guy #2: Black frost is the only beer. Buffy: My mother always said that beer was evil Guy #1: Evil. Good. These are moral absolutes that predate the Buffy: I'm really not sure: Guy#4: Well, Thomas Equines and (all the other guys stop him saying Guy #2: There will be no Thomas Equines at this table. Guy#3: Keep your theology of providence to yourself frat boy Guy#4: I was just drawing a parallel between Guy#1: Beer. Had the earliest morality developed under the influence Buffy: You guys really like to hear yourselves speak don't ya Guy#1: Alright we're losing her guys Guy #2: Say something i8nteresting. Guy #3: Tell us about yourself Guy#2: Yeah, what do you like. Buffy: Well, I don't hate this for a start. Cut to Buffy and Willow's dorm room the next day. Willow walks in
from Willow: My name's Veruca. I'm in a band. I'm Oz, I'm in a band Buffy: (watching MTV) TV is a good thing. Bright colours. Music. Tiny Willow: What did you do with Buffy Buffy: I'm suffering the afterness of a bad night of badness Willow: You didn't. Not with Parker again. Buffy: No, with four really smart guys. Willow: Four? Oh. Ow. Oh Buffy, are you okay? Do you wanna talk about Buffy: I went to see Xander. Then I saw Parker. Then came beer. Willow: And then group sex? Buffy: (Hits her) Gutter face. No! Just lots and lots of beer. It's Willow: Drowning your troubles over Parker. Mind frying man! He Buffy: Okay. (Gets up to leave in her pjs) Willow: Uh (stops her) getting dressed would be fun to. Cut to Prof. Walsh's class: Prof. Walsh: Next class we'll be moving on to personality types and Buffy: She read the reading. Prof. Walsh: well, she'll have some time on her hands. As I was (Buffy sees a girl eating a sandwich and she grabs it out of her hands Willow: Buffy!! Buffy are you okay? Prof. Walsh: Good. Now before you go. Make sure you get the complete Cut to a lab where someone is brewing something in beakers. We see
a Cut to commercial. Cut to pub that night. Buffy is watching Guy#1 pour beer into her Buffy: This good. Ooh, good enough. Guy#1: Still more is good. Buffy: yeah. Foamy. Guy#3: You should come to our class on big thinking. It's good. (They all laugh. Cut to Xander at the bar. A girl approaches with
a Girl: Boy, I'm having the worst day. You got a light? Xander points to a no-smoking sign Guy#1: I like girls Buffy: You stupid Guy#1: No, you stupid Buffy: smelly head Guy#1 pushes Guy#2 over. They all laugh and Xander looks on kinda Cut to the dorm. Oz walks up to Willow as she comes out of her room Oz: Willow. Hey. I tried calling Willow: Yeah, I've been up at the library. How are you feeling? Oz: What do you mean? Willow: well, you weren't in class. Again. Oz: Yeah, I was practicing. Hey Shy's playing again tonight Willow: Shy? Oz: yeah, Veruca's band and they asked me to sit in with them. It Willow: Two Veruca shows in two nights. Are you sure you wanna share Oz: well, yeah I guess how I could see it be dull for ya. (There's an uncomfortable silence between them and Oz looks confused Willow: See ya (she turns around and leaves) Oz: Yeah. (He looks hurt and leaves) Cut to the pub. Everyone is gone but the group Buffy is will Guy#1: Stupid Guy#2: No, you stupid. Buffy: No you. (They all laugh) Xander puts some music on the jukebox. Buffy: You (they all laugh) Buffy: Hey! She runs over to him and looks confused. She bangs on
the Buffy: thing. Like it. Xander: It's time to go home Buffy Buffy: Want more singing. Want more beer Xander: No, I've cut you off. Buffy: did it hurt Xander: Out you go. Xander picks her up and starts carrying her to the door. She Buffy: Ow, oh, want beer. Like beer. Beer good. Xander: Beer Bad. Bad, bad beer. What the hell am I saying? Buffy,
go Buffy: Say bye (pushes him) Xander: Bye Buffy: Bye (she leaves) Guy#1: Hey, where'd girl go? Cut to another part of the pub. Willow walks in and sees Parker Parker: Hey. Did you want something? Willow: Yes. I wanted to give you a piece of my mind. I'm tired of
you Parker: Oh, I don't get what you mean. What did I do? Willow: She shared something very intimate with you. And you act like Parker: Willow, I'm not sure I need to explain my actions here but
if Willow: Yes followed by an admission of undeniable guilt. But go Parker: some relationships center on a deep emotional tie. Or a loyal Willow: Go on Parker: Just for one night can't two people who feel an attraction Willow: People like Buffy a-and me assume that intimacy means Parker: People shouldn't
have to preface casual sex with “just
so you Willow: Maybe. Parker: Willow, I don't regret what happened. Or what we did. But
I am Cut back to the guys. They are getting more apelike. Xander comes to clean the table and get paid for the drinks. Xander: Alright, time to pay up and go home guys. They throw money at him. Guy#1 leaves to go to the washroom. Xander Xander: Let's see, I'll take this one, and this one. And you know
I've Guy#1 bursts out of the bathroom. He has become a Neanderthal. He Cut to commercial. Cut to Xander lying down and the Neanderthal guy on top sniffing his Guy#2: Oh God Guy#3: Let's get outta here! Neanderthal frat Guy#1 yells in Xander's face and Xander yells Xander: (jumping up): Hey, hey, easy. We're cool. (They back him into NG#1: Fire bad. Fire pretty Xander: Fire angry! (They all run away out the door in fear. Xander Xander: Jack! Jack! We've got a problem. The guys they they're some
of Jack: They've had it comin (he puts some Black Frost beer on the Cut to the campus. The cavemen are running around like apes, jumping Cut to the pub: Jack: you know I've been taking abuse from snot nosed kids for twenty Jack: they ain't. That's the great thing about beer. It makes all
men Xander: Why are we talking about beer the guys are the beer. Jack: Neat huh? My brother-in-law's a warlock. He showed me how to
do Xander: No. No neat. I served them that beer. I served Buffy that Jack: Relax. It will wear off in a day or so. Xander: In a day or so someone is going to get killed. You're a bad, Cut to outside. The Neanderthals see cars. One stands in the middle
of Car guy: I didn't see him, is he okay? He sees what they are and runs away in fear. The other cavemen smash Cut to Buffy's dorm. Xander and Giles are walking through the halls. Xander: Well, I cut her off before the others so I don't think she
had Giles: I can't believe you served Buffy that beer. Xander: I didn't know it was evil Giles: But you knew it was beer Xander: well excuse Mr. “I
spent the sixties in an electric Kool-Aid Giles: it was the early seventies and you should know better Xander: I'm not the dad of her. Buffy's a grown up. It wasn't enough They see Buffy in her room drawing cave pictures on her walls. She Cut to the pub where Parker and Willow have moved to a couch and are Parker: I don't mean this in a bragging way but I do get to know a
lot Willow: Well, getting to know people is good. Parker: But I haven't found the one yet. I've yet to find the girl Willow: okay, I mean I feel you've shown me a perspective I haven't Parker: Just that I've enjoyed talking to you. Here. Tonight. Willow: Me too. I mean, with you. You know, I'm wondering Parker: What? Willow: Just how gullible do you think I am? I mean with you gentle Parker: What? Willow: This isn't sharing. This isn't connecting. It's the pleasure Parker: Look, if you think that I'm Willow: I mean, you men. It's all about the sex! You find a woman, The cavemen break in with the girls in tow Willow: You see? They knock Willow down and hit Parker with a stick. Cut to Buffy's room again. Giles: fascinating really. (Buffy's going around on a chair and then falls on the floor. She
goes Buffy: Want people. Where people go? Giles: The TV is off. Buffy: Want! Want people. Giles: She doesn't appear to be in any danger. Maybe you should stay Giles: or perhaps she should be left alone. Buffy: Boy smells nice (she grabs him and snifs him) Xander: Yeah, I think we need to track down the fun boys somewhat Giles: You can't have beer Buffy gives Giles an evil look Buffy: Want beer Xander: Giles, don't make cave slayer unhappy She fakes a punch at Giles Buffy tackles him, pushes Xander out of the way and runs out of the Giles: I'm fine. Just get her Xander: Which way? Giles: Um, check down there. We have to find her before someone gets Cut back to the pub the caveman have knocked Willow out and have made Caveguy#1: Woman. Man. Caveguy#2: (waving a stick in the air) Woman! Cut to commercial. Cut to the pub. Caveguys finally realize the pub is on fire and start Cut to Xander running across campus. He spots her and approaches her. She looks confused. Xander: Aha can't find the beer. Good. Freshman girls unable to hold Buffy jumps away from him Xander: Hey, we're good. Remember the boy? Boy smells good yeah? Is Buffy starts to snif. They turn and see smoke Xander: Oh no. Buffy: Fire bad! She runs towards the pub. In the pub the Neanderthals have gathered all the girls in a corner Xander runs back outside because there is too much smoke Xander: Where the hell is Giles? Cut to Giles talking to a student Giles: Blonde. Um, about this tall. Walks with a sort of a sideways Cut back to the pub. Buffy: Bad. Bad. Buffy sees windows. She jumps up and works her way across some pipes Xander: Are you alright? Willow: Buffy's still in there. Back inside Buffy sees Parker. He's awake and coughing. He doesn't
see Parker: Oh God. Help me. I can't breathe. (He sees her). Buffy. Oh Buffy clubs him over the head with a stick. She grabs his arm. Cut to outside the pub. Xander and Giles stand beside a bench where Xander: Did you guys have enough fun for one night? Willow: Yes. Please. Xander: And was there a lesson in all this huh? What did we learn Buffy: Foamy Xander: Good, just as long as that's clear. Anyways I think that the Buffy walks up to a van and sees the Neanderthals inside. She bangs
on Giles: whose van is that? Xander: I dunno. Wasn't locked. Parker walks up to her alive and well Parker: Buffy. Buffy I I dunno how to say this. I'm sorry for how
I Buffy wacks him with the club again and knocks him out. The gang gathers around and looks at him. Buffy walks back towards
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