You know those girls in high school?  The ones with the beautiful hair, perfect makeup and designer clothes that thought their shit didn’t stink?  When they grow up, they turn into the woman I’m looking at right now. 

She was dressed all in black.  Tight black turtleneck sleeveless sweater, black skin-tight leather pants and fashionable black leather boots.  Her hair was a long, silky curtain of gold that fell over her shoulders.  She had green eyes, a perky little nose, full lips, and perfect makeup.  She might have been a Size 4, but I knew she wasn’t more than that.  She wasn’t very tall either, maybe 5’3” but what she lacked in height, she made up for in attitude.  Think Joyce Barnhardt, then add a raging case of PMS. 

In other words, she was a stone-cold bitch.

Normally, I like to think the best of people and try to help them whenever I can.  Stephanie Plum, Mother Hen, that’s me.  I can’t seem to find anything good about her, but I really would like to help her. Into a straight jacket.  Did I mention she was crazy?  Oh yeah.  About 4 cans short of a six-pack.  I watched as she walked across the room and I really wanted to smash her Barbie-doll face in.

Apparently, this wasn’t lost on Ms. LooneyTunes.  After the note, things started to happen.  I came home from Ranger’s one morning to find all of my FMPs in a pile on my living room rug – with all of the heels snapped off.  Two days after that, every dress I own was shredded and scattered around my apartment like confetti.  I installed better locks but the harassment didn’t stop.   In fact, it got worse.

The following week, she blew up my CRV.  Not exactly original, I know, but I really liked that car.  Then, she shot me in the leg as I was heading out of the bonds office.  In another life, she must have been a sniper.  The bullet just grazed me but it was enough to get me 5 stitches at the ER.  Annoying, but again, nothing I haven’t dealt with before.  More threatening letters followed along with more property destruction and then, she stepped over the line.  She did the one thing guaranteed to Piss. Me. Off.

She kidnapped my hamster.

Which is why I’m here.  She sent me a note this morning telling me to meet her at this warehouse on Pier 17 at 11:00am.  If I told anyone about this, especially Ranger, she would toss Rex into the harbor.  Psycho bitch.  Once I get my hamster back, this chick is toast.

She stopped in front of me and looked at me like I was dog crap on the bottom of her shoe.  “I see you made it,” she said.  She had one of those phone-sex voices that men get all giddy over. 

“Where’s Rex?” I said.  No point in wasting time here.  The sooner I get my hamster, the sooner I can smack her.

She walked over to a nearby cabinet and pulled out a 4x4 inch wire mesh cube.  Rex.  He looked unharmed, but definitely not happy to be trapped in a little box.  He was turning circles, probably looking for his soup can.

I took a step toward her but she stepped back, grabbing a five pound sledge hammer off of a workbench.  “Come any closer and the rat gets smushed.  You’ll get him back in one piece, if you cooperate.  But first, you and I need to have a chat Stephie,” she said and she started walking a slow circle around me while she talked.  I did a mental eye-roll.  Next she’s going to tell me about everything she’s done so far.  Somebody’s been watching too many movies. 

“….so you see, Stephie, this little thing you’re having with my man is only going to cost you more and more the longer you keep throwing yourself at him.”

I crossed my arms in front of me.  “And what do you suggest?” I said. 

“Well, it’s very simple Stephie.  You just need to stay away from Carlos.”

“Hmm.  So, I stay away from Ranger.  Don’t see him, don’t talk to him, nothing and you’ll give me back Rex and leave me alone.  Is that right?”

“That about covers it.  You’ll get your rodent back and I’ll get my Carlos back and we’ll both be happy.”

“There’s just one little flaw in your plan.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Really?  And what’s that?”

“You’re going to have to tell Ranger to stay away from me.”  I gave her my best kiss-my-butt smile when I saw the smirk fade from her face.  “Yeah, that’s right.  You’re going to have to tell Ranger that he can’t help me with my skips.  That he can’t break into my apartment in the middle of the night to kiss me breathless.  That he’s not allowed to see me or speak to me.  Ever.”  Boy I’d love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation.  Bet that one will go over BIG.

She glared at me, and tossed her hair over her shoulder.  “I’ll guarantee you that Carlos won’t even remember your name next week.”

I smiled at her.  “He doesn’t remember yours now.” 

Oooh SCORE!  The color came up in her cheeks and her eyes narrowed at me.  Now she was mad.  I guess I should be scared, huh? 

“You’re lying!! What Carlos and I had was beautiful!  He worshipped me!”

I scoffed at that. “Right. That’s why when he saw your picture on the security feed he couldn’t remember where he’d seen you before.  It took him almost a whole day to figure it out – a drunken weekend in Cancun with his college buddies.  TWELVE YEARS AGO!”  I rolled my eyes at her.  “I know he’s like a GOD in the sack, but how pathetic are you that you’re still fantasizing about a guy you laid 12 years ago when he was drunk off his ass?”

She dropped Rex’s cage onto the workbench and stomped over to get in my face.  OK, I was through with the whole Ms. Nice Guy.  It’s one thing to box him up in a little cage but another to toss that cage around with him still in it!

She started screaming at me, “You shut up!  That was the best weekend of my life!  We have a connection; we are SOULMATES!!!  You! You wouldn’t know anything about what he and I shared.  You’re just some little Burg bitch he’s using to keep his bed warm.  When I’m back in his arms again, he won’t even give you the time of day!”

Time of day.  I looked down at my watch.  It was time to end this.  I had a lunch date with Ranger at twelve sharp and there was no way I was missing that.  What?  Would you pass up a nooner with Ranger?  Yeah, that’s what I thought.

I looked her over and then hauled off and slugged her right in the face as hard as I could.  She fell backwards and landed on her ass on the concrete floor.  When she didn’t get up, I walked over to the table and picked up Rex.  I’d have to thank Tank later for the self-defense lessons.

Rex was happy to be free of the little box and whirled his whiskers at me when I slipped him into my shirt pocket.  I dropped the cage on the floor next to her.  “Oh, and by the way, it’s Stephanie.”