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Starting
Over, Part 5 *** The following morning, Buffy got up and went to meet with Willow and Angel in the kitchen for coffee. She had hated the days when she stayed upstairs in bed, straining to hear the conversation that was taking place without her. It was strange wishing to be somewhere that she knew she was wanted and staying away anyway. It caused an odd kind of ache that had left her unsettled. That morning, when she woke up she thought about brushing her hair and getting dressed before going down. When she was trying to keep herself from becoming attached to Angel, she didn’t mind not looking her best. It was better knowing that he couldn’t possibly be attracted to how she looked first thing in the morning. The only reason she didn’t attempt to clean up was that she thought it would be too obvious. When she made it downstairs, Angel was leaning against the counter as always, covered in a fine sheen of sweat from his morning jog. He smiled when she walked in, a slow, satisfied smile as if he had just accomplished a long, arduous task. “Morning,” Buffy said as she shuffled into the room, nervously sweeping her tousled hair from her shoulders. “Morning,” Angel responded, keeping that smile on his face. He took her hand lightly in his when she awkwardly attempted to pass him by and he pulled her closer, pulling himself away from the counter. His kiss was just as slow and sweet as his smile, a sweeping of warm lips. She couldn’t help from sighing audibly. When he pulled away, her eyes nervously darted to where Willow had previously been sitting at the table, barely awake. After the kiss however, Buffy’s blush deepened to see her best friend’s face light up with obvious excitement. “You’re dating now?” she squeed. “Well, we kinda decided to see each other last night,” Buffy said, glancing from Angel to Willow and back again. “I mean, it’s not like it’s this big secret. We’re just…” “Dating,” Angel said with a low chuckle. “I knew it!” Willow announced proudly, standing up from the table and rushing to hug Buffy. “This is great! I’m so excited for you guys!” “We couldn’t tell,” Buffy said wryly, shaking her head at Willow’s level of happiness over the news. You’d think she just told her she’d won the lottery. Slyly, she glanced over at Angel who had made himself useful by pouring cups off coffee from the still sputtering brew. He handed her a cup first with a look on his face that made her shudder and turn away quickly. Oh boy, she thought as she moved to the table and sat down. *** As Angel jogged back home late that morning, he still sported that same smile. After all the things he had done in his life, he couldn’t believe his good fortune. Despite his pleasure over finally getting Buffy to agree to date him, he knew that things weren’t so cut and dry. His new girlfriend was skittish and unsure of herself or anyone else. She wasn’t used to being touched even though she seemed to ache for the closeness. She was reluctant to get lost in the moment, but when she did, he was overpowered by her passion. It was infuriating to think of the boy who had so shamelessly took her virginity and left her with a fatal illness. It was more than infuriating. It caused an indescribable fury in the pit of his stomach. Ever since he had found out just what exactly had transpired, anger had come up a lot when he was on his own. Most of the reasoning for that was that the boy was still in town. Angel was paying those thugs Whistler had hired a pretty penny to keep an eye on Parker, but nothing had happened. The closest Parker had come to Buffy was driving past the house, but he had a bad feeling about it. The kid wasn’t hanging out cause Sunnydale had any tourist attractions. Honestly, it wasn’t even that Parker had given her HIV that bugged him the most. It was reckless and horrible, but the truth be told, he didn’t know what he was doing. It was how he used her and tossed her aside that got to him. Buffy was beautiful inside and out. She was sweet and nice without being too sweet and nice. She was real, like Willow was real. When she spoke, he knew he was getting the good stuff. The way Parker had used her was unacceptable. It was all he could do not to make a late night visit to the Sunnydale Inn the boy was staying at and take him out quickly and efficiently. The idea was an oddly satisfying one. The only thing that stopped him was the reason for it to begin with – Buffy. When he got home, Whistler was on his couch once more, helping himself to a drink even thought it was a couple hours before noon. Whistler wasn’t much with social expectations. He pretty much did what he wanted, which is why he’d been to prison more than once. “Little early for you to be up and around, isn’t it?” Angel asked, heading for the kitchen for water. “Little late actually,” Whistler answered, hauling himself up from the couch and following Angel into the kitchen. “Haven’t been to bed yet. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about the kid.” “Something happen?” Angel asked, setting his water bottle aside like he was ready to dive into the fray if need be. “Wow. Look at you,” Whistler said with a smirk. “She must be really pretty.” Angel’s annoyed glare didn’t nothing to remove the smirk from his face, but he did start talking. “Nothing’s happened. That’s my point. You’re shelling out the bucks for this, I know. It’s a sweet gig for us, but Angel, nothing’s happening. He’s really into the liquor these days and driving around the block. How long do you want to keep this up?” “For as long as it takes for him to leave,” Angel answered, taking another swig from his water bottle. “She’s been through enough without having to deal with him.” “Hey, it’s your money, I’m just sayin’…” “I’ve got plenty of it. You keep those guys working and I’ll keep paying.” *** Buffy smiled through her shower and kept smiling as she dressed and put on her makeup. Angel’s kisses were like everything else about him. When he talked, when he repaired something, when he kissed her he was always completely involved in that task and nothing else. When she talked, she felt like he not only heard her but he *listened.* He wasn’t just waiting for his turn to speak, he was soaking in every word she said. When he kissed her, it was the same. His focus was on her, taking his time, until every muscle in her body relaxed into him. She groaned. She wasn’t going to fall in love with him. Absolutely not. She was not going to spend her days mooning over him like some lovesick teenager. She couldn’t pretend that she had the rest of her life to just give away when she couldn’t be sure how much life she actually had left. She could already hear Willow lecturing her on living life to the fullest and she really intended to try to do that, but was it fair to Angel to let him believe that this was forever? She was naïve and inexperienced but she wasn’t stupid. Sooner or later, Angel would want more and she honestly didn’t know how much she could give him. *** Willow’s overflow of excitement in everything in her life was contagious from time to time. The Wicca group was getting to be more fun that ever. Apparently, they had managed to float a pencil just using mental concentration. Buffy laughed and said something about the Jedi mind trick, but she was blown away when Willow demonstrated the spell for her. Her new Wicca friend, Tara, started hanging out a lot too. Tara was a shy blonde girl who occasionally stuttered when she spoke. She had the tendency to hunch her shoulders over as if she wanted to disappear when other people were around, but when she was with Willow and she thought no one else was paying attention, she stood up straight and spoke with perfect clarity. Buffy thought she was sweet, but she was a little jealous over the time the two of them spent together. Their new hobby was something that both of them loved to indulge in when they weren’t studying and it was something that Buffy couldn’t be a part of. Not that she wanted to, but still. If it weren’t for Angel, Buffy was sure she would have felt more than a little left out. But as it was, Angel took as much of her time as he could. Since both of them were currently not working or going to school, a lot time was left over. Buffy had to stop herself from going over to his house in the middle of the day or even at night when she couldn’t sleep. His presence was so soothing and for someone who obviously lusted after her, he was amazingly undemanding. It took her a while to realize just how much he urged her closer to him. He always kissed her hello and goodbye no matter where they were. He worked on her getting used to his touch. He was affectionate without being overbearing and nurturing without being controlling. He acted as if they had all the time in the world to be together. He never mentioned her illness, but at the same time it didn’t seem like he was trying to skirt around the issue. Strangely enough, it seemed like it wasn’t an issue at all to him. That idea alone was bewildering. One Wednesday night after they had been together over a month, she went to his house for dinner to escape the coven of witches floating various objects in the living room. She was feeling particularly emotional for no apparent reason. She guessed it was almost that time of the month because she felt ugly and fat despite her slim figure and had an overwhelming desire to eat chocolate and cry. For someone who was unused to being touched, she just wanted to cuddle into his arms. When he greeted her at the door, he kissed her as usual, cupping her face with those big elegant hands and sliding one back into her hair where he massaged her scalp in the most comforting way. She pressed closer to him, anxious to be a part of him, to escape emotions that were raging inside her. When he pulled away, tears were already filling in her eyes. “God, why do you do that?” she demanded. He looked shocked and confused as he brushed an escaped tear off of her cheek. “Do what baby?” he asked in that low, comforting voice. “Pretend,” she ground out in frustration. “Pretend that this is *something*.” “Isn’t it?” “You make this seem like we have all the time in the world, like we really have some future or something,” she said, angry at him and angry at herself and angry at the world. It wasn’t fair. That was the problem. She hadn’t had a chance. And now she stood there yelling at the person she wanted to be with because she couldn’t be with him. Not really. The whole thing was so frustrating she just wanted to scream and cry until she couldn’t think about it anymore. “I’m not pretending anything,” he said, taking her hand and leading her further into the house. “I want to be with you for as long as I can have you. I want to love you as much as I possibly can. That’s what I’m doing, Buffy.” “Angel,” she whimpered, letting the tears fall unbidden from her eyes. “You can’t do that,” she said, her voice muffled against his chest because she had allowed him to pull her into his arms. “Why not?” he asked, rubbing her back in slow circles. She pulled back and looked up at him, sobering for a moment and looking directly in his eyes. “Because I’m going to die, Angel,” she said hoarsely. “Don’t you understand that I’m going to die?” “This isn’t some fairy tale for me, Buffy. I know that one day you’ll get sick, but I love you and I’m not sitting around counting the days until you die. I’m going to spend each day with you and help you live.” “I love you too,” she whispered. “I try not to but I can’t stop.” *** Angel’s kitchen looked like it was a page torn from *Better Homes and Gardens*. It was massive and covered in gleaming chrome. It looked almost Spartan at first but the various cabinets contained more cooking implements than she had ever seen. Unlike most bachelors, he seemed at home in it and chatted easily with her as he chopped vegetables with the quick and sure style that chefs did. She would have lost a finger already if she had tried to cut anything with that speed. She watched him chopping in awe as she perched on the counter, advised by him to not help in any way. The incident where she cut her foot open was only one of the few kitchen disasters he had witnessed. She was not at all at home around food unless she was eating it. She was nursing a glass of wine he had given her and she started to feel her body relax even more. After her emotional outburst earlier in the evening, he had held and talked to her for a long time. She had been drained from crying and not at all hungry until he started cooking and now she was suddenly ravenous. “I’m starving,” she said, leaning over and snagging a carrot stick from the cutting board when he stopped chopping. “Stir fry is quick,” he said, checking his pot of rice. It looked white and fluffy and perfect. Buffy smiled at the simple food. Hers would be burned to the bottom of the pot. “Thanks for cooking,” she said, “And thanks for dealing when I became Psycho Buffy.” “I’m glad we talked,” he said. “That’s probably been brewing for a while now.” “You could say that,” she said. “I’m still worried about it.” “I know,” he answered easily while chopping up a fresh red pepper. She watched him in silence. Sometimes she really did think he could read her mind. It was scary as it was comforting. *** After dinner, Angel built a fire in the fireplace and they curled up on his couch together. Dinner was delicious as always and after a couple of glasses of wine, she felt warm and safe. The only thing missing was chocolate, or ice cream at the very least, and the night would be perfect. Unfortunately, Angel was somewhat of a health nut and didn’t even have a single piece of candy in his whole house. She was really going to have to do something about that if they were going to stay together. She wasn’t even sure how it started. One moment, they were snuggling, talking as they stared into the fire and the next she was beneath him on the couch, being kissed deeply and passionately. For a man who took his time, he sure didn’t hold back on the heat. A strange feeling crept over her as she pulled him closer against her. It was like the whole world was falling away. Her body clenched so violently in desire that she wrapped her legs around his waist to assuage the need. She hadn’t had much experience with passion or arousal. Since Parker was the only person she had slept with and that was fairly quick and painful – in more ways that one – she was now stunned by how much she wanted Angel – how much her body wanted him in a base, mindless way. She knew she loved him. Maybe she had from the very beginning. And she had always been attracted to him, but something more attacked her senses now, something undeniably dangerous. She could feel his arousal pressing against her as she tightened her legs around his waist. Both of them were breathing hard into each other’s mouths. She loved the feeling of him covering her, his weight against her, his hands buried in her hair. It was almost more than she could stand. She needed…something to very badly it was almost painful, which is why she moaned when he pulled away. “I’m sorry,” he said, sitting up and scooting across the couch. He ran a hand through his hair and fought to catch his breath. “Huh?” Buffy asked in confusion. “When you came here tonight, you told me how unsure you were about everything and then I attack you on the couch after dinner,” he said, looking over at her. “I’m sorry. I just need a second.” Buffy looked at him in total bewilderment. Her heart was pounding and she felt almost cold after he pulled away. Her entire body was straining in unfulfilled desire and he was apologizing? She could see his arousal tenting the front of his pants, straining at the seams, so she knew that he wanted the same thing she wanted. “You’re probably right,” she said, sitting up and curling against the arm of the couch. “It’s not safe.” “What?” he asked, jerking his head toward her. “I didn’t stop because of that, believe me.” “You didn’t?” she asked. “No,” he said, shaking his head. “I’ve bought more condoms than I should probably admit. I stopped because I don’t want to rush you.” “Oh,” she said, sighing in relief. “So, you do want to?” He moved back toward her and cupped her cheek. “I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone, Buffy. I’ve read up enough on the subject to know it’s perfectly safe.” “Nothing’s perfectly safe,” she said, the desire slowly fading with the magnitude that had been on her shoulders since they started dating. “And there are lots of rules. There are limits to what we can do. Any noninvasive touching is okay, but anything beyond that we need protection. And I hate to freak you out, but what if the condom breaks? You’re right, we need to think about this. The last thing I want to do is have something happen and then I’d never forgive myself-“ “Noninvasive,” he said questioningly. “Meaning?” “You can’t put your fingers inside me,” she said shyly. “And you can’t give me oral sex without a dental dam, not to mention the fact that I can never-“ “Buffy,” he said gently, interrupting her again. “Why don’t we start with what we can do?” “’Kay,” she answered quietly, taking a deep breath. *** Home - Navigation - Affiliates - Random - Fanfiction - Links - Updates - About Tango |